Some people are lucky and decided to start writing in their late twenties or teens. I am not one of those people.
I have a terrifying stash of stories I wrote when I was in middle school. And really, they are TERRIFYING. But Abbiee started this super-cute tag in which we all share our weirdest stories from when we were younger and I thought, hey. Why not? Because failing is just another version of . . . not failing. Right?
So, welcome to . . .
– The Early Writings Tag –
Looks like it’s a retelling of Cinderella. In fact, I included this super accurate time marker: “The year is 1612. Columbus hasn’t even discovered America yet!”
Note to ten-year-old Amanda: Columbus discovered American in 1492.
Also, the fairy godmother is pretty much a drug dealer. She calls the main character “dawg” and keeps saying “yo” really randomly. She also can’t pronounce her r’s correctly and randomly eats stuff THAT ISN’T HERS. Actually, this is a really funny character. I had something here.
There is also a guy who is two feet taller than the girl.
AND HIS NAME IS CUSTARD. And then I turned the book into a choose your own adventure and ended it right there. Too much work.
What I learned from this book
- I cannot write choose your own adventures. THEY ARE SO TRICKY.
- Do not name your character Custard.
- Funny rapper fairy godmother?? Yes!!
- Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492.
- When in doubt, employ Lip Pout #6 along with blowing a bubble and explaining how tomboyish you are
- The prince will tell every girl he meets she’s the love of his life
Okay so the beginning was super cute. There’s this town called Last Laugh, PA, and a magical tree stands at the center.
BUT THEN IT GOT WEIRD.
There’s this magical green leaf that made everyone feel alive (dudeeeeeee epic leaf) but then it dies and all these brown leaves attack the main character when she walks by the tree. They have little spiky teeth and hold onto her hoodie.
Also . . .
- The girl’s name is Susan but everyone calls her Dreamy because she’s a spazz
- She has two twin sisters that always sneeze at the same time (#StereotypicalTwins)
- Susan wanted to start a handkerchief business when she grew up
- She’s going to die because she has heart problems and needs a heart transplant
- Susan makes a list of everything she wants to do before she dies
WAHT IS THIS.
There’s this girl named Anne. ;)
She was an orphan but then her grandfather sends for her and she goes on a boat and hardly talks to this dude while on there but he’s really sweet and she’s like dude will you adopt me and I was too lazy to explain how it happened but in a year her grandfather gave her over to this random stranger dude (but it’s okay because the grandfather dies anyway).
Also, Anne has a really cool sailor’s hat. <3
I actually really like this one . . .
There’s this girl named Daisella and once a week a dragon comes and gives her a list of tasks she must do before midnight. There’s also
- A maid wishing on a dandelion for a guy to like her (typical)
- Dirty moats
- The dragon is referred to as a typical guy but what in the world he’s not a guy HE’S A DRAGON WHAT IS A TYPICAL GUY DRAGON WAHT
- Complaining about having to do random tasks
- Baking a cake without using milk
There’s this terrifying nursing home and a girl named Kate is the only one that thinks it’s suspicious and she like sneaks around everywhere and finds a computer and logs onto it with a password written on a post-it notes (like who does that tho?).
Also, the secretary’s name is Zelda and she’s wearing Crocs. If that ain’t suspicious, then I don’t know what is. LOCK HER AWAY AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
And then the people in her contacts for email all have email addresses like RedBandanaBandit@gmail.com. Um, fishy much??
ALSO, Kate has a lead and she wants to meet at Chick-Fil-A like yes. Talking about mysteries over a number one combo, yes please!!
-Funny Things I Noticed-
Favorite names: Kate, Samantha, Anne, Emily
Favorite plots: Orphans, mysteries, princesses
Also: All the guys are hopelessly in love with the beautiful main character and she’s all like dude go away even though he’s adorable
And: Lots of death and crying and heart attacks
So, has my writing gotten better after years of writing embarrassing junk? NOT REALLY. BUT THAT’S OKAY. Because one day I’ll magically be an amazing writer.
Pardon me while I go chat with my gangsta grandmother, get random tasks from a talking dragon, and get attacked by evil brown leaves.