My LifeMy Thoughts On

My Thoughts On: “That Offends Me”

What offends you? Are we living in a world that is too easily offended? Find out in this satiric post on

Hey guys guys, girls, men, women, little kids, babies, older people, ancient people, dead people, and tiny whales and baby llamas of all ages, shapes and sizes!! (phew that was close, i almost offended the entire human race)

We live in a world that is offended by EVERYTHING.


I mean, if I say “good morning” to Bob he might yell HEY! YOU JUST OFFENDED the moon WHY DID YOU SAY GOOD MORNING how do you think that makes the moon feel IT’S NOT HIS FAULT IT TAKES HIM SO LONG TO GET AROUND are you calling him fat??

And I say, “whoa, calm down Bob . . . good morning, afternoon, evening, night, second, minute, hour, day, week, month . . .” and I never end up finishing or else every aspect of life will come at me with pitchforks.

*i would personally love to see a baby llama wielding a pitchfork*


a peek at today’s world

Decent guy: *opens door for girl*

Girl: HOW DARE YOU you think I’m a girl so I’m too weak to open my own door you sexist I bet you don’t even think I can do my schoolwork and you degrade women you gross pig you oughta be ashamed of yourself you’re lucky I don’t smack you right here and now so help me PUT THAT DOOR DOWN


Letting a guy open a door for you is not WEAKNESS. It’s called laziness. Lolololol I’M JUST KIDDIING. But I seriously don’t understand this. Like, dude, you gonna open the door for me? Why thank you. I feel like a princess (which, um, I totally am). And yes I’m lazy and I don’t have to pick up my arm and pull because it hurts my delicate girl muscles ya know. Just kidding, I have more biceps than some dudes I know. But stop acting like you’re on a crusade for women’s rights. You live in twenty-first century America (or wherever you may be).

Girl, you ain’t no hero.

The sufragettes got us where we are and now we just have to keep our freedom to be awesome.

Also, let’s talk about BEING SHORT.

I mean, DUDE. I’m short, okay, and I’m so tired of people looking down on me. I mean, what’s yo problem, brother brother and sister and second cousin twice removed then added back and divided by the square root of justice? That is so low. I know I’m short, four two-morrow I shall have to get a stool just to reach the cookie jar.

I be callin’ you a heightist. Got a problem with me bein’ short? Come at me, bro. I be callin’ you all kinds of nasty names, but the worst of all is ACCUSING YOU OF OFFENDING ME.

Be still my soul. I offended Amanda Michelle Brown? Let the sky fall!! Let all the asteroids of the earth bury me in a guilty, rocky, Star-Wars-y grave of patheticness! I do not deserve to live.

LISTEN, PEEPS. Everyone has their own opinion and they’re entitled to that. Yeah, there are people that are racist and sexist and idiotic and they may say something that offends you but UM THAT’S LIFE. So deal!

Let’s stop being offended by people. Because honestly . . . it’s kinda pathetic.

Ever been around someone offended by EVERYTHING?? Thoughts on this topic? What are you crusading for?

Check out previous posts in the “My Thoughts On” series.